


Love Me Anyway

by fireladybuckley



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 4x04, 9-1-1 - Freeform, Additional Scene, Angst, Buck and eddie friendship, Buck has too many feelings, Buck's parents, Buckley Parents - Freeform, Eddie is the only one Buck really trusts, Emotional, Episode 4x04, I'm Sorry, Maddie's parents, Rage, Sadness, This hurts, continuation of 4x04, what's your grievance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29338617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireladybuckley/pseuds/fireladybuckley
Summary: An additional scene for episode 4x04 "9-1-1, What's your grievance?", after the disastrous dinner at Chim and Maddie's place.  Buck storms out and drives off in a cloud of rage, not knowing where he's going, overwhelmed by his feelings of anger and hurt.This one is a little late as I'm sure there's already a million versions of these, but I wanted to add my own interpretation of what I think happened after that scene. <3
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Pre-Buddie - Relationship, This is more Canon Eddie and Buck right now
Comments: 8
Kudos: 172
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	Love Me Anyway

__

_“Love me anyway.”_

Buck’s parting words echoed in his head as he stormed away from Maddie and Chim’s place, ignoring the tears prickling his eyes. By the time he got to his car he was moving by muscle memory alone as his vision blurred, and he furiously swiped a sleeve across his eyes as he got into the car, slamming his door closed. 

Buck made a wordless noise of anger as he jammed the key into the ignition, turned it, and pulled out onto the road. 

_“Evan, I don’t know what you expected us to do!”_

_“You never made it easy on us.”_

_“We tried, but you always….”_

His parents’ words repeated in his head like an unsavory mantra, reminding him over and over how he had never been enough for them. Even now, with a great job and a stable life, he was a disappointment. According to them, it was his own fault that they’d never treated him well and the very idea of that simultaneously made his blood boil with rage but also made him want to curl up and cry. All he’d ever wanted was for them to just accept him the way he was. To not feel like they were looking through him or obviously wishing he’d been different. 

Buck’s foot pressed down on the gas pedal harder as his eyes grew colder and angrier. The way they favoured Maddie, but at the same time gave her horrible, back-handed compliments. The way they had given her a hard time about Doug, despite the fact that they knew now what had happened. The way his mother had pointedly said Maddie had chosen a good one “this time”. How he’d felt so hurt when he realized that his parents hadn’t bothered making him a baby box, though now he just felt angry. Buck snarled a little as he turned onto the highway, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.

Buck just wanted to scream and throw something. Or hit something. Or hit some _one_. His body was on fire, the anger coursing through him as he thought back to the ways his parents had treated him. Sure, they’d never hit him, and he’d always had enough food and clothes on his back, but that was pretty much it. They had never praised him, never seemed interested in anything he was doing or saying. He’d gotten the feeling early on that they didn’t even like to touch him, so he’d started pretending he didn’t like hugs as a kid to save himself the shock of sadness he’d felt every time his mother shrunk back from a hug. 

His entire life, any time he’d screwed something up it was like the end of the world to them, like every mistake he made was the biggest disappointment and reflected on his personal worth as their son. They had never coached him or helped him in any way but still expected perfection. Even when he was doing well in school, or in sports, or some extra curricular, instead of acknowledging that he was meeting expectations, they merely ignored it. Punished for mistakes every kid makes and ignored for any triumphs. Maddie had fared a little better, but all in all Buck knew they had been almost as distant with her as well, at least as long as he could remember. 

Buck’s anger continued to amp up as he took an exit off the highway and drove on, barely aware of where he was driving and what was happening on the road before him. His parents’ words were echoing in his head once again, and he didn’t realize just how blinded with rage he was until a loud, blaring car horn blasted through his fog. 

With a horrified gasp, Buck realized he had just run a stop sign and was milliseconds from hitting a car that had been pulling into the intersection he was currently plowing through. Buck wrenched the steering wheel to the side, his car violently lurching to the left, and only just barely missed the vehicle. He frantically steered to the right to straighten the wheels as he swerved too far into the opposing lane and nearly hit an oncoming car there, as well. After a moment he was properly in his own lane, breathing hard as shock flowed through him, realizing that he’d been so blinded with anger he could have killed someone.

Hands trembling, Buck drove a little further down the street and then pulled over in front of a familiar house, though he had no idea at first where he’d ended up. As he put his car into park, he realized that in the shock of the near crash all of his anger had evaporated and left nothing but despair in its wake. Shaking, he crossed his arms over the top of his steering wheel and leaned forward, resting his head on the back of his hands as emotions overtook him. Unable to stop the tears, Buck gave up and let them flow, soaking into the ends of his sleeves as his memory went wild, showing him all the things he didn’t want to see, his parent’s words echoing in his ears so loudly it was though they were sitting right there in the car with him.

He had no idea how long he’d been there, crying, when a knock on his window startled him so badly he jumped, accidentally hitting the horn as his arm jerked and scaring himself a second time from the loud noise. Quickly wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he peered blearily through the window to see who had knocked, and felt both relief and shame clench his heart. Eddie was standing there, and Buck realized very belatedly that he must have driven to Eddie’s house without even thinking about it.

When Buck didn’t open his door or roll down the window immediately, Eddie reached out and opened the door for him, looking in at him in concern. Eddie’s eyes took in the red puffiness of Buck’s, the tears still drying on his cheeks, and instantly understood.

“Dinner didn’t go well, huh?” Eddie asked, trying to keep his voice light as Buck sniffed and attempted to appear like he hadn’t just been sobbing into his steering wheel right in front of Eddie’s house. 

“Not really, no,” Buck muttered, his voice cracking and hoarse from the crying. Eddie expected him to say more, but Buck seemed to be feeling numb, refusing to look at Eddie. Eddie reached out and put a gentle hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

“You want to come in?” Eddie asked, nodding at the house. “Christopher’s asleep, so it’ll just be us.”

Buck didn’t respond, staring blankly at the steering wheel, his hands still shaking. Eddie, noticing this, frowned and squeezed Buck’s shoulder again, a little harder this time.

“Buck, come on. I don’t want you driving when you’re this upset, it’s not safe.”

“Yeah, I learned that already,” Buck croaked in a low voice, staring straight ahead but not elaborating. After a long moment of pensive silence, he looked up at Eddie.

“Do you think it’s a kid’s job to make life easier for their parents?” Buck asked him, and Eddie’s frown deepened, his eyebrows creasing as he searched Buck’s face and read between the lines, guessing what had happened.

“No, Buck, I don’t,” Eddie replied, his voice firm, but gentle. “You are not to blame for your parents being shitty parents.”

Eddie saw tears start to well in Buck’s eyes once more before he looked away, clearly not wanting Eddie to see him cry, but Eddie didn’t care. Tears didn’t make someone weak. Eddie continued to persuade Buck to come inside until Buck finally agreed, reluctantly unbuckling his seatbelt and turning off the car. Eddie got the impression he was only agreeing so he didn’t get into an accident and hurt someone else and not for his own wellbeing, but it was better than nothing.

Eddie led him inside and after some coaxing, including a glass of whiskey, Buck finally opened up about what had happened, describing the things that had been said both by his parents and Maddie, and what he’d said in return, staring off into the depths of his whiskey glass and not meeting Eddie’s eyes. Eddie didn’t say much, just let Buck talk, as he suspected that nothing he said would actually make Buck feel any better at that moment and Eddie knew he needed a confidant.

Once Buck was finished he seemed to feel embarrassed again, his eyes cast downwards as he thanked Eddie for the drink and for listening, but trying to excuse himself.

“You’re not driving. I’ll call you a cab,” Eddie said firmly, reaching out and placing a hand on Buck’s chest as he tried to pass.

“I’m not drunk,” Buck said, an edge of annoyance creeping into his voice as he stepped back from Eddie’s touch, covering the fact that he felt ashamed that Eddie even had to suggest that he was not capable of getting himself home safe. “One small glass of whiskey is not enough to impair me.”

“No, but a glass of whiskey and a shitload of emotions is enough,” Eddie countered, looking evenly at Buck as the other man stuck his hands in his pockets and let out a heavy sigh.

“Fine,” Buck agreed reluctantly, staring down at his feet. 

Eddie called him a cab as Buck went out to his car to grab his wallet, not wanting it to sit in the empty vehicle all night. Feeling a nauseating mix of gratitude, shame, anger and sadness knotting his stomach, Buck couldn’t bring himself to go back inside, but Eddie had come outside after him and walked over, standing beside him stoically as they waited.

“You gonna be okay?” Eddie asked into the silence, as the cab approached a few minutes later. Buck nodded mutely, still not meeting Eddie’s eyes. 

“Yeah. Thanks, again.” Buck said in a distracted way, and Eddie let out a small sigh, wishing Buck would take it easier on himself.

“Call me if you need anything.” Eddie told him, and Buck flashed him a quick, tight-lipped smile with a single nod of his head in acknowledgement before stepping forward as the cab pulled up and stopped in front of them. 

After telling the driver his address, Buck glanced out the window to see Eddie give him a wave, and Buck raised his hand automatically, his mind already a million miles away. Buck sighed heavily and leaned back against the seat, suddenly feeling utterly exhausted and wanting nothing more than to sleep for a week, to disappear from the world for a while and be alone with his thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> Emotional reflections like this aren't necessarily my strong suit, but after that doozy of an argument I thought it needed flushing out. How did I do? Please let me know what you thought <3


End file.
